After Granite Mountain, I distinctly remember transitioning into the "Worry" stage of our relationship. I was so concerned for his safety, scared of the "what ifs" and not being able to get in touch. My mind wandered to different scenarios where he could be in danger. I was also concerned about my own abilities, or lack thereof, in being a WFF partner.
Josh gave me tips to keep track of where he'd be situated for incidents. I needed to study up, follow his location, and learn about the fires he was going to. I spent hours every day on websites like WildCAD, Inciweb, and NIFC. I read up on incident management, aerial resources, and wild fire containment values. I became obsessed with knowing. My coworkers in those days learned a lot by-proxy (you're welcome). I'd always be filling them in, eager to share my knew skills. In knowing, I felt I could predict the level of risk and on some weird level that would mitigate any harm.
Our phone calls and texts grew sparse as the season ramped up. I'd learn that 'no news is good news'. Josh would constantly remind me of this when we'd talk. His schedule was erratic, no rhyme or reason to it. If he went to a fire he could be back in hours, days, or weeks. I was stuck in this cycle between worry and relief, rarely finding time to truly relax. Occasionally he would surprise/scare the shit out of me by coming in late at night. He’d smell like a campfire and would have dirt and twigs stuck in his beard. His eyes and teeth were the only bits of white against his blackened face, covered in smoke and ash.
After 14+ days on a fire, he’d come home for a mere 2 to rest in between. Sometimes he'd be exhausted, spending those days lazing in bed or a lump on the couch. Others, he'd be filled with motivation, running around like the energizer bunny catching up on projects at home. His R&R (rest & recuperation) days never seemed to fall on days I had off, of course. I still rarely saw him. Those mere 2 days would pass just as soon as they arrived and in the blink of an eye, he'd be off again for who knows how long.
I had moments of jealousy over his crew mates, especially the women. They got to see him more than I did and they had a bond through their work that I couldn’t compete with. It didn’t seem fair, I was supposed to be the one he confided in. I started to question my strength and my decision to move away from everything I knew. Was I capable of fulfilling this role? Was our love enough? Am I enough?
I needed to identify healthier outlets for my worries. These would be my best coping mechanisms for when Josh wasn’t available to assure me that all is well. I took up hiking in the local mountains with our dogs, I cleaned, organized, and rearranged areas of the house after work and on the weekends. I blared 80's pop ballads and made an effort to learn how to fix things myself. If I couldn't figure it out, I'd ask a neighbor to help (thanks, Garth!).
Here's me hiking Ferguson Canyon with our dogs, Ranger (black and white) and Toby (golden). Such a beautiful area and always a strenuous climb.
Just before the season really kicked off, Josh introduced me to a fellow crew mate and his girlfriend, Christi. She was absolutely my lifeline in those days (still is!). She helped me gain a slew of new skills, ultimately teaching me how to be more independent and self-sufficient. We worked on projects together, like fixing her waterlogged carpets, or we'd hike our dogs and enjoy a cold beer on the weekends. She had a history of working in wildfire herself and was far more experienced at this life as a 'WFF partner'. She brought a sense of calm and humor to my life, helping me find the courage to be brave during a period when I needed it most.
She showed me around the area, introduced me to local soccer games, took me to new restaurants or places to play outside. She even taught me how to make homemade cupcakes. We made batches to decorate and drove the 60 minutes to the base to surprise the crew. That was my first time seeing the helicopter and the place where Josh worked. I remember walking into the building, feeling shy and unsure of myself, the new girl. Radios were bustling with chatter and his crewmates listened closely. They got called to a fire that day, only moments after we'd arrived, leaving us just enough time to set down the cupcakes and take a photo in the heli.
Here we are hiking 'the avenues', sitting in the heli, and enjoying a REAL Salt Lake soccer game.
Even with all the distractions, that summer was still undoubtedly hard. Hot, lonely, sleepless nights were fraught with anxiety. I tried to fill every moment with something to do, to occupy my mind and make the minutes tick by faster. I won't deny there were times I felt like I was a 'single girl in a committed relationship', spending so much time alone just waiting. My friends and family back on the East coast tried to sympathize from afar, always asking when he'd be back. I never knew the answer, which always perplexed them. They had a hard time understanding his irregular work schedule, it certainly was not a 9-5 job.
I was constantly trying to manage my expectations so I wouldn't be upset if he couldn't communicate while on a fire. It was out of my control and that was hard to accept. When we would talk, it was difficult to say goodbye, never wanting our conversations to end. We made it a habit to always tell each other "I love you" at the end of every conversation. We still do. The time of day we'd talk was anyone's guess, most common was late at night when he'd be tucked in his tent or atop his sleeping bag in the dirt for the evening. His voice would be quiet so as not to disturb the rest of the crew.
When I felt like I was finally getting the hang of being solo so often, the end of the season was upon us. It was early October and now suddenly Josh was home all the time. It took another period of adjustment to unwind from the season and find our rhythm again. We worked on tucking ourselves into yet another new routine, taking every opportunity to relish in the calm moments as much as possible. By now we were coming up on our 2 year dating anniversary, but we had only physically been together for a total of about 8 months out of that. Our relationship clearly didn't follow the 'regular' rules for spending time together often.
That winter we'd fly our pets home for the holidays (I don't recommend it-we drove every year after that) and get a jump start on planning the next Wasatch Showdown. Josh would also start working on applying for the permanent position for the 2014 season (3rd time's a charm?).
Josh reflected on the remainder of the 2013 season, calling it one of his 'breakout' years. It was his 10th fire season and he was able to complete his Helicopter Manager (HMGB) task book, making it his last season as a trainee. He spoke of the Kelley fire, that one stood out. It was by Warm Springs airstrip in Idaho where there was no cell phone service whatsoever at that time. He spent a full 14 days on the incident, and was signed off as a Helicopter Manager at the end. The fire itself was incredibly remote, highly dependent on aerial resources due to lack of road access. The season ended with a Government Shutdown on October 1st.
Until next time,
Erin
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