I wanted to take a break from our story to tell you a little about 'right now'. It took me a while to decide this, life inevitably got in the way of writing, and now Josh is gone on assignment. He's too busy to be proofreading for me or providing his input and I value his contributions too much to move forward without him. So, it's just us for now.
Since this blog came to life, not even a month ago, so much has happened. Here's some of it:
We've had 2 stomach bugs.
Our daughter, Susanna had surgery (she did great and has since healed).
Josh celebrated a late Father's Day, playing golf with friends on a day off.
The kids and I attended a baby shower 'in' Ireland over Zoom.
Josh reported to a handful of local wildfires and worked a bunch of overtime.
I have carted kids to and from summer camp, daycare, doctors offices, grocery stores, the beach, the park, you name it.
Josh had some more days off.
I groomed some 'world famous' frisbee dogs.
I researched, re-read, and worried some more about the potential fiscal cliff in September.
Josh almost went to Tallahassee, but was canceled due to excessive heat warnings.
We attended Fourth of July fireworks as a family, for the first time ever!
I battled another bout of PMDD and went to therapy.
Josh was called out West to help in Idaho.
I cried before and after Josh left.
I tried not to melt, when going outside.
I planned and executed our 6 y/o's birthday party, including a 15-foot bouncy water slide.
I comforted our daughter when she asked why Daddy never comes to her birthdays.
I forced myself to recognize the hard moments, breathe, and embrace the happy stuff.
From left to right: Josh (1) taking a moment to text me and the kids some photos of the fire (2) he was working, our son Sterling's timeless artwork for Father's Day (3), and Josh and I waiting for fireworks to start at our local regional airport (4).
One of the things I've learned as a Wildfire Partner, is that life goes on without my spouse present, whether I (or he) likes it or not. When we found out Josh would be leaving before our daughter's birthday, we realized that he hasn't been home for a single one, not since her actual birth 6 years ago. July has always been part of the busy season, he always gets called away. It was sad to think of so many milestones he'd missed.
Seemingly out of nowhere, our daughter really 'gets' it this year. It broke my heart (and Josh's) listening to her ask why daddy isn't here, but he always 'goes to Brother's birthday parties' (in November). I did my best to explain that she was born during the summer when it's hot like fire, and that dad is busy with work but that he wishes he could be here. It felt like I was torn in two, attempting to console her as both mom and dad somehow in that moment.
In the past, we always celebrated Susanna's birthday just us at home with presents and cake. This year would be her first real party with lots of friends. A big deal for any 6 year old. I made a point to FaceTime Josh the morning of the festivities so he could be the first to wish her a happy day. Due to the time difference it was before 6am so he was only just waking up, safe and snug in his hotel before he'd report to the fire for a long, busy shift. Our daughter squealed with excitement, eager to show him all the neatly wrapped presents amongst the balloons and decorations she helped me set up.
I'd like to think technology really does help in these moments, but all of us living it know that nothing compares to having your partner/spouse actually there for such special events. All morning I thought about what Josh was missing, convinced he would have had SO much fun going down that slide with his daughter. I found myself missing him super hardcore at moments during the party, wishing he was there to help me reign in our crazy 3 year old son or to sing happy birthday with our friends and warmly hold my hand. It took a concerted effort on my part to let these feelings wash over me, to return to the tasks and event at hand.
The party slide (with giant dirt hole in foreground, thanks to Buoy) and decorations by Susanna.
To try and make up for Josh's absence, we made a plan to celebrate our little girl turning 6 again later this month when he's home. It's a tradition we have practiced in the past, observing special events more than once or at a later date. It has brought us all a sense of relief and peace knowing we have another special occasion to look forward to when Daddy can be there.
This is a perfect example of what makes wildfire (military & first responder) families different from your typical 9-5er's working traditional office hours. We in contrast have this unique set of challenges to consider as a result of the job's highly uncertain schedule and long chunks of time away from family. Us partners with kids especially must learn to operate very much like a single-parent household a vast majority of the time. If I were to put a number on it, I'd guess 60-70% of the year I am a 'married single parent'. To those doing the single parent thing 100% of the time, I sincerely salute you, your strength is unparalleled and leaves me in awe.
These timeframes I find myself without a partner are never really known much more than a day or 2 in advance, if we are lucky. Oftentimes there's less notice during "busy season" and plans must change in the blink of an eye. If Josh isn't actively at a fire, he's reporting daily to the base and working 40+ hours a week. The base is an hour away, even if he doesn't stay for overtime, he leaves before the kids wake up and is home a mere hour-ish before bedtime. As the more readily available parent, I am the kids 'go-to' when they are in need. I am the enforcer of rules and also the provider of snuggles and "get better kisses". It's tough and often exhausting, a full-time job in and of itself.
I'm also sure my fellow partners/spouses can agree when I say if something is going to happen, it'll always be right after your other half leaves on assignment. I type this as our son sits throwing up on the couch and the dishwasher chimes again, tripping the fuse for the gazillionth time. In our house we joke about Murphy's law, and how much it loves us. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, at the most unfavorable of times.
Funny enough, in the process of planning Susanna's birthday celebration, I toggled between two different Saturdays, both of which Josh was slated to have 'off'. I said to myself "I better plan this for a day when some good girlfriends, fellow moms, will for sure be around just in case". And wouldn't you know it, he got called out. I've learned to have backup plans for my backup plans, by now. This way when, not if, things change I can more easily adapt.
I've found that being adaptable and overly independent are beneficial and have worked in my favor as a WFF partner/spouse. Rolling with the punches takes practice though and definitely isn't always easy, especially when you feel like you're the one sustaining a majority of life's blows. Here are some things I have silently chanted to myself these past few weeks that have helped:
Identify what is in your control, focus on that.
Decide what needs adjusted, embrace it, do it.
Acknowledge that nothing lasts forever, time moves forward it does not stop or move back.
Be kind to yourself, body and mind.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
As wildfire season ramps up here in the states and more crews are sent to Canada, I thought these might be nice reminders for more than just me.
If you're looking for current information on wildfire activity go to NIFC's page and NICC. Please also consider subscribing to The Hotshot Wake Up on Substack and/or following Instagram, he brings us all the latest photos, podcasts, and news.
Much love to you all, stay strong and until next time...
XO
Erin
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